So last little bit of back story, I promise, and then we'll get into the actual "motivation" plan.
Now... I believe that a lot of the reason of why I just cannot tolerate all that fitspiration positive bullcrap stuff is because that was never why I was motivated to be healthy in the place, and therefore have a really hard time swallowing the fact that people actually believe it.  Growing up, all that mattered about eating right and all that jazz was WHAT YOU LOOKED LIKE.  That is all.  Being healthy and not getting diseases was all just a nice side effect of not being an ugly fat blob.  "No in the family is fat so there's no reason you should be."  Well yes actually there is.

I was one of those kids that didn't eat.  Like never.  To make me eat, my parents had to threaten me.  Other than that, food was just not a thing I cared about (GASP!  Shocking, right?)  So my mother, with all the good intentions in the world, got a hold of an appetite enhancer so that I would actually want to eat. She didn't want me to die!  Food is important to, you know, sustaining life and all.  When I say I never ate, I NEVER ATE.  What she didn't know about this appetite enhancer is that IT TASTED AMAZING!!!  You don't give a child (I was about 7-8 years old at the time) medicine that tastes good.  You just don't!!  So she would give me one tablespoon in the morning, and one at night.  I was sneaking one or two in for myself in the middle of the day.  Lo and behold, my appetite increased!  And I was eating everything!  Mission accomplished right?  WRONG!  This stuff worked so well that by the time I was nine years old, I weighed about 110 pounds.  And my appetite has never gone down.

Now I am the ugly fat blob that I'm not supposed to be.  Am I "fat" by normal people standards?  No.  But when I look in the mirror and see my stomach hanging past my feet, when I see my thighs spilling out off the sides of my chair, when I see that I can't wear my favorite jeans anymore because I can't get into them, when I see that I'm still getting asked if I'm pregnant.... Yes.  I'm fat.

And I am sick of it.  I would like to look in the mirror and actually like what it's showing me.  I want to feel pretty in my own skin.

My cousin is getting married in October.  I don't wanna be the fat bridesmaid.  So with all of these things that I want and don't want, I developed a way to motivate myself with this blog.  I'm essentially going to use these desires to guilt myself into making better choices.  Now that I have finally provided all that back story you need, I will start making my better choices.  I will be documenting my choices here and essentially critiquing myself.  It'll be fun, but full of tough love.  I won't be very nice to myself.  But it's what's going to work for me.  Malcolm X said, "By any means necessary."  This change in my life is necessary.  I can't keep doing this nonsense to myself.  I know about all the health concerns this could cause for me.  Tomorrow I start being good.  Or else.  But for now, I'm food's psycho ex-girlfriend.  And tonight, I'm waiting in the bushes by his house.